Why we talkin’ about this? Navigating convos about weight
Weight. It really is a weighty subject which is so commonplace. 'Have you lost weight?', 'You look healthy now', 'I've been doing X to lose weight', 'I'm on X diet', 'You should try X'. Although in most cases these conversations are harmless or depict necessary measures to take for someone’s health, the conversation around weight has become a ubiquitous topic which doesn't seem to have an end. Whether you're on your own journey, struggle with disordered eating or simply don't want to talk about weight, it can be difficult to navigate conversations without coming across as triggered or oversensitive. So today I wanted to explore why weight is such a common topic and how to navigate tricky conversations.
Why are we even talking about this?
Diet culture and discussions about weight have literally been around for centuries. From the Ancient Greeks who used diets to control physical and mental health to the ever-changing beauty standards which dictate what bodies are deemed 'acceptable'. What's more, years of consumerist diet culture and being told to be smaller make us hyper-aware of weight as a concept. As a result, discussions around weight and weight loss have become ingrained in our society. Normalising discussions about diets, over-explaining means of weight loss and passing judgement on other people's bodies.
The act of weight loss isn't inherently bad - it can vastly improve some people's quality and longevity of life. But the constant chatter about it gives what is ultimately a very uninteresting topic way too much weight (pardon the pun).
If you (like me) have a history of disordered eating or simply struggle with having these conversations, it can be easy to jump to contempt of anyone dumping this type of info on you. However, the magic is in empathy. Ask yourself why might they be saying this to you? Do they feel insecure so feel a need to explain themselves, or are they even beating you to the punch when it comes to judgement? Often comments made about or to others are self-reflections that are difficult to face or are not even felt until they're expressed outwards. As much as you can, bring in that empathy. Imagine giving them a hug (unless they're being rude) and then decide what you want to do next.
But what do I actually say?
In conversations such as these, I used to shut down. Stay quiet, smile and nod and then step away drained. But I've practised both of the options we're going to chat through and have come out the other side feeling pride rather than shame. The choice between the two all comes down to confidence - do you want to move the conversation on or help to explore the topic with them? Let's start with the former.
First up is setting clear boundaries. You can either simply ask to move the conversation along politely. Here are some of my favourites:
"I'd love to hear about something else you've been up to lately."
"Let's talk about something more fun - what's the best thing that happened to you this week?"
Or, if you find it's a recurrent theme of conversations or the person you're speaking to is not being responsive, be clearer. Here are some prompts that might work - feel free to use what resonates or edit to sound more like you:
"I'm not really comfortable talking about weight stuff. Can we chat about something else?"
"Diet talk isn't great for my headspace right now. What else is new with you?"
"I'm taking a break from discussing food and weight. Tell me about [specific topic you know they enjoy]."
"I'm not participating in diet talk today. Who wants to hear about [redirect to something positive]?"
"I've mentioned I don't want to talk about this stuff. I care about you, but I need us to change the subject."
"This topic really doesn't work for me. I'm going to step away/change the subject when it comes up."
If speaking in conversation feels too intimidating, sending a message after meeting could be a good option if you're better at communicating through words rather than speech. Here are some ideas to help you clearly communicate where you stand:
"Hey, I realised I should mention that diet talk isn't great for me right now. No worries about earlier - just wanted to let you know for future conversations!"
"I should have said something sooner, but I'm trying to avoid weight/diet discussions. Thanks for understanding!"
"I wanted to give you a heads up that I'm not doing diet talk anymore - it's better for my mental health. I hope you understand, and I'm always here to chat about literally anything else!"
Sometimes leaning away isn't always the answer. Recently I've been trying to engage and better understand WHY someone might be speaking about this so much or why it's taking up such a large portion of the conversation. If you're in the same boat and feel less triggered but more up for a conversation, try gently and compassionately questioning. Some I've used before include:
"I've noticed you mention dieting a lot lately. How are you feeling about all that?"
"You seem really focused on food/weight stuff right now. Is everything okay?"
"It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself about this. What's driving that feeling?"
"It seems like you're being really hard on yourself. What's making you feel like you need to change?"
Be open and curious, helping the person to perhaps reflect on WHY they are saying these things in the first place rather than just what they are saying. As we chatted about before, often this kind of talk is so run-of-the-mill that people don't even notice they're engaging in it. Gentle and open questioning can help prompt reflection and can be really helpful in this instance.
Remember, we're all just trying to figure out a way to exist and be in the world together. And with so many different conversations around weight, diet, fitness and self-expression, it can be tough to stay in a place of self-kindness towards our bodies. So whether you're just helping yourself to keep mentally healthy or sharing this with others to also reflect on where these ideas are rooted, continue to show up with authenticity and empathy. Check out my blog for more content and collaborations (woohoo) soon. And if you or anyone you know is looking for empathetic guidance on your health journey, drop me a line.
